An Embodied Spiritual Journey
I was asked to write about my personal embodied spiritual journery. This is paper was for a class, but would not be considered scholarly.
I consider myself a deeply introspective person, who is continually evaluating, analyzing, and challenging my beliefs/ideas about myself and the world that I am, however so, intricately a part of. I will never arrive at a conclusion as to how I came to be who I am, whether it is a result of a particular divine energy that runs through me, or God, or some other factor, but I can rest upon the idea that I am the only consciousness I experience directly. I put my faith in myself, and it’s quite a strong faith. I think I’m amazing! I can do anything and I’m resilient as hell! I cannot contribute this all to myself, though. My existence is in no way separate from those things/people/events that are a part of my experiences, and for this reason I would never take back a single experience in my life. With that said, the rest of this paper will show and explore some aspects of the spiritual journey both my body and mind have taken in the first 22 years of life.
My spiritual journey begins with a few memories I have of myself as a four year old child, as well as the stories my mother and father, and siblings have told of me as an infant. My mother tells me I was a very independent child. According to her, on the introductory day at nursery school, which was meant as a day for the parents and children to meet the care takers and other children, I put my hands on my hips and said, “You can leave now.” She was shocked. She said, all the other kids would have cried if their mothers had left the room, but I was ready to experience life on my own, at the age of three. I didn’t want the security of mom and dad; rather, I believed I could handle things myself. I was confident in my own mind and body.
By the time I was 5, till about the age of 11, the energetic confident little person that I was, enters elementary school, where a definite shift occurs in the perception of myself, which is to say, my body and mind. Elementary school was the first time I was exposed to a large group of children, and I believe this is where the first stirrings of my feminist self occurred. Watching other children play and playing with them myself, I began to realize that many children adhered to stereotypical gender roles and enforced these ideas upon me. I didn’t like this one bit. So I rebelled. I would make the boys play with me at recess, and if they didn’t, I would chase them down and lock them in “jail,” (or the area under the slide). Needless to say, I did a lot more chasing than playing. I’d wear boy’s cloths, and I’d play with boy’s toys, as I did not want to be labeled a weak little girl, or be forced to play boring games like jump rope, and wear skirts in the middle of winter. I suppose this was the first time in my life I was treated differently due to my sex. I was previously very confident in who I was, but then suddenly, who I was, was no longer acceptable. Slowly my self esteem corroded. I didn’t fit in with the boys and I didn’t fit in with the girls. Not only that, but I was chunky for my age, and was often made fun of by of one my best friend’s brothers, and, indirectly, by her mother. I slowly began to hate myself and my body. My attempts to make myself a boy weren’t working and I didn’t know what to do. I was trapped, but it didn’t understand why.
Even at this point in my life I was very philosophical, as I began questioning the validity of Christianity. My elementary school years were not very cheerful. If I had visited a psychologist I would have probably been diagnosed with depression. However, I do not wish to rid myself of the suffering I experienced during this age, as this is the part of my life where I begin to question religion and the reason for my existence. Although I went to Sunday school, at the local Methodist church, I had not the slightest clue about Christianity. All I knew was that I prayed to this person who was my creator and who controlled everything. But I was so miserable with myself at this point that it was hard for me to fathom that God would create a world full of suffering. I hated being in this world so much that I vowed to never have children, so that they wouldn’t have to suffer as I did, and I was so disenchanted with the world that when my grand father was on the brink of death, I swore to God that I would worship Satan if he let my grand father die. By the time I was 10 I had lost nearly all faith in Christianity and was thoroughly confused about the nature of my existence.
By the age of 11 I was still very much concerned with issues of gender, yet at the on set of puberty, I began to conform to some concepts of femininity. Puberty set in at age 11 and I finally realized that I was female and there was nothing I could do about it. I dreaded becoming a woman. At least when I was a child I could dress up in boy’s clothing, look similar to a boy, and dodge those that thought I should be limited by my sex. But as my body took a more feminine shape I understood that I’d have to accept my body to some degree. I didn’t quite know what to do with my new body. I was no longer a chunky little kid; rather, I was a slender and petite young woman, and somewhat pretty. By 12, Boys started noticing me and accepting me more. I was glad someone was paying attention to me and accepted me at one level or another. I began wearing makeup and dressing in a more feminine manner to appeal to these boys. At this point in my life I was eager to explore my sexuality; however, some took my eagerness a little too far, and would bully sexual favors out of me. I finally managed after four years to shake them off, but it was tough, as I didn’t want to compromise my popularity. At the time this incident didn’t seem like such a big deal, but later in life I realized that this incident affected my view of men. I was already somewhat dissatisfied with being female, but I was also gaining an antipathy for men. By 13 I was happier with my body, but only because others liked it. However, I still wasn’t comfortable with being female, as I experienced how others disrespected the feminine body and were eager to dominate it.
After struggling with issues of gender for several years, I realized that Christianity was not for me. At 13 I knew that being female was not a limitation in and of its self. I believed I could do anything a man could. I did, however, hold a somewhat patriarchal view of the world, as I believed men were the standard that women should live up to. I denounced most things considered feminine, although I did attempt to look somewhat attractive and feminine. My interest in gender issues grew even deeper. I was deeply offended when someone told me I couldn’t do something because I was girl. Church was often the place where I was prescribed these gender limitations. I didn’t realize this when I was younger, but as I began to listen and comprehend the sermons of the preacher, these distinctions became clear as day. So, I renounced Christianity. I could not follow a religion that saw me as guilty for the sins of all of humanity, and wanted to put me below the status of a man. Why would anyone want to accept such a position in life? I was still forced to go to church when I visited my grandmother, but I used the time to further analyze and question Christianity. While there were also other reasons for abandoning Christianity, this was, and is, my main reason.
Towards the end of middle school I began hanging out with the “hippie” crowd, which allowed me to break away from the feminine stereotypes of beauty that I previously clung to for emotional security. The females in the group didn’t strive to look like the models on T.V.; rather, they were rugged. They didn’t wear makeup or bras, and their cloths were comfortable, well worn, and often handmade. For a while I still wore makeup, but I eventually realized that I didn’t need makeup to be attractive. I was hiding my face under an image, under imaginative paint, as if my real face wasn’t good enough. I also threw away the bra. At that point I didn’t really understand what they were for anyway. But that didn’t mean I was entirely comfortable with my body. I was still dealing with some very deep emotional issues concerning gender. There were some really low points, between the ages of 14 and 17, where I had panic attacks and would feel like I was trapped in my body. I would cry profusely, flail around uncontrollably, and would feel inclined to remove my cloths, as if removing them would remove my body. At those moments I hated being female. Yet, at other times, when I was with my friends, I felt the most comfortable being female. My friends were my refuge from the sexist world that I lived in. I think it was the contrast between the two that triggered these panic attacks and, at times, a deep dissatisfaction with my female body.
My most philosophical and spiritual moments occurred between the ages of 14 and 17. One of the reasons for this, besides the fact that I was growing up and learning who I was, was my new found interest in weed. Weed opened up many, many intellectual doors for me. When I was stoned, the world was absolutely beautiful. I wanted to learn everything I could about it. So, I questioned it. I questioned my existence, being, god, my parents, the government, society, etc. I was in love with this new found view of the world. I felt empowered by these acts of questioning. At this time I began to study Wicca. I was ecstatic to learn that there was a religion, which respected and valued women. I studied it and practiced it privately, as many thought I was aberrant (I even had to hide it from my parents). I eventually gave it up though, as I realized one religion does not embrace all of my religious, spiritual, and philosophical ideas. Rather, I was/am more content in embracing many different religions ideas. Altering my mental/physical state ultimately opened the door to a soft and graceful world that I had never experienced before.
At 18 I entered college, which allowed me to write about, and explore philosophically, gender issues. Taking classes with professors that were feminists at my community college, and minoring in women/gender/sexuality at St. Mary’s, has allowed me to formulate/articulate my ideas about gender in a way I’ve never be able to do before. Writing about gender has been incredibly therapeutic.
I should also mention a very pivotal moment in which my gender studies classes have helped me to accept femininity. From the time I 16, I was on a birth control called Depo-Provera. My boyfriend, was concerned about the effects this drug had on my body and encouraged me to find out the side effects. While doing some research I learned that a new warning had been up on the drug, which discouraged women from using it for more than 3 years at a time, as it had an attenuating effect on the bones. When I found this out I knew I had to get off this drug, but I was hesitant. Depo-Provera prevented me from having a period for the entire six years I was on the drug. In a way I felt superior to other women in that I didn’t have to “suffer” having a period every month. But with help of my gender studies classes and my boyfriend, I realized that the fear and anxiety I had about menstruating again was a result of my lingering negative view of femininity. Although, I was taking steps to accepting myself as a female, this was the ultimate moment at which I realized the hold society still had on my conceptions of femininity. It was then very easy to let go of these negative associations I had with being a female. Once I got off the drug I embraced having a period. I was female and I was proud of it. The patriarchy was keeping me down, making me feel horrible about myself. This freedom was/is a wonderful, wonderful feeling.
During my fourth semester at community college I began dating my current boyfriend (Jason), who opened my eyes to the philosophical and spiritual relation of the body to the mind. Jason was a massage therapy student at my college, and was very in touch with the body. He showed me how the physical state of the body affects the mental state of the mind. He emphasized drinking water, yoga, strength training, cardio, and eating for health of the body. I had some bad habits when I first meet Jason. I smoked, I drank sodas all the time, I never exercised, I could barely reach my toes, I was very out of shape, and out of touch with my body. While my mind was active with school, my body was sedentary, rotting away. Although I was initially resistant to his suggestions about health, I slowly gave in one thing at a time. I started drinking water, and I learned yoga. I soon began feeling better, and was pushing my body to new limits with my morning yoga routine. I eventually began circuit training and doing extra bouts of cardio. By breaking my old sedentary and destructive habits, I soon gained control over my physical body. Knowing that I could do this, I believe, is what allowed me to quit smoking. The more I explored and understood my body, the more I knew I could accomplish, and the happier and more satisfied I was with myself. I am currently in the best physical, and ironically, mental state of my life. I understand myself mentally and physically. Witnessing my physical achievements has shown me that I can achieve anything in life, whether it be a physical or mental.
At my current stage in life I finally feel like I’ve reentered that confident and energetic body that I had when I was four. Although I still re-lapse and feel like I need to wear makeup to be beautiful, or that I’m not the perfect size, overall I am happy with body. I will still chant and sing my feminists songs in the language of philosophy and I will continue to push my body to its limit, as this is the ultimate satisfaction for me. I love myself. I place all confidence and belief in myself. I am no longer the sad and depressed child, the confused and tortured teenager; rather, I am one with myself. I still have a lot to learn, but I feel grounded in my body, like this is the ultimate vehicle to my enlightenment.
This paper does not encompass my entire spiritual journey, as it is already long enough. But it does expose the main events in my life in relation to my body, as my life would be non-existent if it were separated from it. During the process of explaining the biographical events of my life, I drew upon my current perspective. I cannot, for sure, tell you my perspective of these events when these events occurred; rather, I can only speak of them in relation my current perspective. As I am a very philosophical and introspective person, these events have been deeply analyzed and scrutinized at many stages of my life. This, however, is my current interpretation.
I consider myself a deeply introspective person, who is continually evaluating, analyzing, and challenging my beliefs/ideas about myself and the world that I am, however so, intricately a part of. I will never arrive at a conclusion as to how I came to be who I am, whether it is a result of a particular divine energy that runs through me, or God, or some other factor, but I can rest upon the idea that I am the only consciousness I experience directly. I put my faith in myself, and it’s quite a strong faith. I think I’m amazing! I can do anything and I’m resilient as hell! I cannot contribute this all to myself, though. My existence is in no way separate from those things/people/events that are a part of my experiences, and for this reason I would never take back a single experience in my life. With that said, the rest of this paper will show and explore some aspects of the spiritual journey both my body and mind have taken in the first 22 years of life.
My spiritual journey begins with a few memories I have of myself as a four year old child, as well as the stories my mother and father, and siblings have told of me as an infant. My mother tells me I was a very independent child. According to her, on the introductory day at nursery school, which was meant as a day for the parents and children to meet the care takers and other children, I put my hands on my hips and said, “You can leave now.” She was shocked. She said, all the other kids would have cried if their mothers had left the room, but I was ready to experience life on my own, at the age of three. I didn’t want the security of mom and dad; rather, I believed I could handle things myself. I was confident in my own mind and body.
By the time I was 5, till about the age of 11, the energetic confident little person that I was, enters elementary school, where a definite shift occurs in the perception of myself, which is to say, my body and mind. Elementary school was the first time I was exposed to a large group of children, and I believe this is where the first stirrings of my feminist self occurred. Watching other children play and playing with them myself, I began to realize that many children adhered to stereotypical gender roles and enforced these ideas upon me. I didn’t like this one bit. So I rebelled. I would make the boys play with me at recess, and if they didn’t, I would chase them down and lock them in “jail,” (or the area under the slide). Needless to say, I did a lot more chasing than playing. I’d wear boy’s cloths, and I’d play with boy’s toys, as I did not want to be labeled a weak little girl, or be forced to play boring games like jump rope, and wear skirts in the middle of winter. I suppose this was the first time in my life I was treated differently due to my sex. I was previously very confident in who I was, but then suddenly, who I was, was no longer acceptable. Slowly my self esteem corroded. I didn’t fit in with the boys and I didn’t fit in with the girls. Not only that, but I was chunky for my age, and was often made fun of by of one my best friend’s brothers, and, indirectly, by her mother. I slowly began to hate myself and my body. My attempts to make myself a boy weren’t working and I didn’t know what to do. I was trapped, but it didn’t understand why.
Even at this point in my life I was very philosophical, as I began questioning the validity of Christianity. My elementary school years were not very cheerful. If I had visited a psychologist I would have probably been diagnosed with depression. However, I do not wish to rid myself of the suffering I experienced during this age, as this is the part of my life where I begin to question religion and the reason for my existence. Although I went to Sunday school, at the local Methodist church, I had not the slightest clue about Christianity. All I knew was that I prayed to this person who was my creator and who controlled everything. But I was so miserable with myself at this point that it was hard for me to fathom that God would create a world full of suffering. I hated being in this world so much that I vowed to never have children, so that they wouldn’t have to suffer as I did, and I was so disenchanted with the world that when my grand father was on the brink of death, I swore to God that I would worship Satan if he let my grand father die. By the time I was 10 I had lost nearly all faith in Christianity and was thoroughly confused about the nature of my existence.
By the age of 11 I was still very much concerned with issues of gender, yet at the on set of puberty, I began to conform to some concepts of femininity. Puberty set in at age 11 and I finally realized that I was female and there was nothing I could do about it. I dreaded becoming a woman. At least when I was a child I could dress up in boy’s clothing, look similar to a boy, and dodge those that thought I should be limited by my sex. But as my body took a more feminine shape I understood that I’d have to accept my body to some degree. I didn’t quite know what to do with my new body. I was no longer a chunky little kid; rather, I was a slender and petite young woman, and somewhat pretty. By 12, Boys started noticing me and accepting me more. I was glad someone was paying attention to me and accepted me at one level or another. I began wearing makeup and dressing in a more feminine manner to appeal to these boys. At this point in my life I was eager to explore my sexuality; however, some took my eagerness a little too far, and would bully sexual favors out of me. I finally managed after four years to shake them off, but it was tough, as I didn’t want to compromise my popularity. At the time this incident didn’t seem like such a big deal, but later in life I realized that this incident affected my view of men. I was already somewhat dissatisfied with being female, but I was also gaining an antipathy for men. By 13 I was happier with my body, but only because others liked it. However, I still wasn’t comfortable with being female, as I experienced how others disrespected the feminine body and were eager to dominate it.
After struggling with issues of gender for several years, I realized that Christianity was not for me. At 13 I knew that being female was not a limitation in and of its self. I believed I could do anything a man could. I did, however, hold a somewhat patriarchal view of the world, as I believed men were the standard that women should live up to. I denounced most things considered feminine, although I did attempt to look somewhat attractive and feminine. My interest in gender issues grew even deeper. I was deeply offended when someone told me I couldn’t do something because I was girl. Church was often the place where I was prescribed these gender limitations. I didn’t realize this when I was younger, but as I began to listen and comprehend the sermons of the preacher, these distinctions became clear as day. So, I renounced Christianity. I could not follow a religion that saw me as guilty for the sins of all of humanity, and wanted to put me below the status of a man. Why would anyone want to accept such a position in life? I was still forced to go to church when I visited my grandmother, but I used the time to further analyze and question Christianity. While there were also other reasons for abandoning Christianity, this was, and is, my main reason.
Towards the end of middle school I began hanging out with the “hippie” crowd, which allowed me to break away from the feminine stereotypes of beauty that I previously clung to for emotional security. The females in the group didn’t strive to look like the models on T.V.; rather, they were rugged. They didn’t wear makeup or bras, and their cloths were comfortable, well worn, and often handmade. For a while I still wore makeup, but I eventually realized that I didn’t need makeup to be attractive. I was hiding my face under an image, under imaginative paint, as if my real face wasn’t good enough. I also threw away the bra. At that point I didn’t really understand what they were for anyway. But that didn’t mean I was entirely comfortable with my body. I was still dealing with some very deep emotional issues concerning gender. There were some really low points, between the ages of 14 and 17, where I had panic attacks and would feel like I was trapped in my body. I would cry profusely, flail around uncontrollably, and would feel inclined to remove my cloths, as if removing them would remove my body. At those moments I hated being female. Yet, at other times, when I was with my friends, I felt the most comfortable being female. My friends were my refuge from the sexist world that I lived in. I think it was the contrast between the two that triggered these panic attacks and, at times, a deep dissatisfaction with my female body.
My most philosophical and spiritual moments occurred between the ages of 14 and 17. One of the reasons for this, besides the fact that I was growing up and learning who I was, was my new found interest in weed. Weed opened up many, many intellectual doors for me. When I was stoned, the world was absolutely beautiful. I wanted to learn everything I could about it. So, I questioned it. I questioned my existence, being, god, my parents, the government, society, etc. I was in love with this new found view of the world. I felt empowered by these acts of questioning. At this time I began to study Wicca. I was ecstatic to learn that there was a religion, which respected and valued women. I studied it and practiced it privately, as many thought I was aberrant (I even had to hide it from my parents). I eventually gave it up though, as I realized one religion does not embrace all of my religious, spiritual, and philosophical ideas. Rather, I was/am more content in embracing many different religions ideas. Altering my mental/physical state ultimately opened the door to a soft and graceful world that I had never experienced before.
At 18 I entered college, which allowed me to write about, and explore philosophically, gender issues. Taking classes with professors that were feminists at my community college, and minoring in women/gender/sexuality at St. Mary’s, has allowed me to formulate/articulate my ideas about gender in a way I’ve never be able to do before. Writing about gender has been incredibly therapeutic.
I should also mention a very pivotal moment in which my gender studies classes have helped me to accept femininity. From the time I 16, I was on a birth control called Depo-Provera. My boyfriend, was concerned about the effects this drug had on my body and encouraged me to find out the side effects. While doing some research I learned that a new warning had been up on the drug, which discouraged women from using it for more than 3 years at a time, as it had an attenuating effect on the bones. When I found this out I knew I had to get off this drug, but I was hesitant. Depo-Provera prevented me from having a period for the entire six years I was on the drug. In a way I felt superior to other women in that I didn’t have to “suffer” having a period every month. But with help of my gender studies classes and my boyfriend, I realized that the fear and anxiety I had about menstruating again was a result of my lingering negative view of femininity. Although, I was taking steps to accepting myself as a female, this was the ultimate moment at which I realized the hold society still had on my conceptions of femininity. It was then very easy to let go of these negative associations I had with being a female. Once I got off the drug I embraced having a period. I was female and I was proud of it. The patriarchy was keeping me down, making me feel horrible about myself. This freedom was/is a wonderful, wonderful feeling.
During my fourth semester at community college I began dating my current boyfriend (Jason), who opened my eyes to the philosophical and spiritual relation of the body to the mind. Jason was a massage therapy student at my college, and was very in touch with the body. He showed me how the physical state of the body affects the mental state of the mind. He emphasized drinking water, yoga, strength training, cardio, and eating for health of the body. I had some bad habits when I first meet Jason. I smoked, I drank sodas all the time, I never exercised, I could barely reach my toes, I was very out of shape, and out of touch with my body. While my mind was active with school, my body was sedentary, rotting away. Although I was initially resistant to his suggestions about health, I slowly gave in one thing at a time. I started drinking water, and I learned yoga. I soon began feeling better, and was pushing my body to new limits with my morning yoga routine. I eventually began circuit training and doing extra bouts of cardio. By breaking my old sedentary and destructive habits, I soon gained control over my physical body. Knowing that I could do this, I believe, is what allowed me to quit smoking. The more I explored and understood my body, the more I knew I could accomplish, and the happier and more satisfied I was with myself. I am currently in the best physical, and ironically, mental state of my life. I understand myself mentally and physically. Witnessing my physical achievements has shown me that I can achieve anything in life, whether it be a physical or mental.
At my current stage in life I finally feel like I’ve reentered that confident and energetic body that I had when I was four. Although I still re-lapse and feel like I need to wear makeup to be beautiful, or that I’m not the perfect size, overall I am happy with body. I will still chant and sing my feminists songs in the language of philosophy and I will continue to push my body to its limit, as this is the ultimate satisfaction for me. I love myself. I place all confidence and belief in myself. I am no longer the sad and depressed child, the confused and tortured teenager; rather, I am one with myself. I still have a lot to learn, but I feel grounded in my body, like this is the ultimate vehicle to my enlightenment.
This paper does not encompass my entire spiritual journey, as it is already long enough. But it does expose the main events in my life in relation to my body, as my life would be non-existent if it were separated from it. During the process of explaining the biographical events of my life, I drew upon my current perspective. I cannot, for sure, tell you my perspective of these events when these events occurred; rather, I can only speak of them in relation my current perspective. As I am a very philosophical and introspective person, these events have been deeply analyzed and scrutinized at many stages of my life. This, however, is my current interpretation.
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